I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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