A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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