i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
nutella sex= disaster
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
