Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My cat gives me a boner
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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