does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
