i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize