Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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