your parents love me but you hate me
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
