Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
sick fucks of a feather flock together
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
