Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
