last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
