If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
