Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
