you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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