Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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