Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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