I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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