I need to stop coming to work sober
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
