maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it because I queefed?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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