yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
