At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize