So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Are we still banned from the library?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The uberlube is also flammable
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
