I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
