The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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