i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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