the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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