I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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