just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
