I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
