She's JV to your varsity
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
