How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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