her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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