Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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