fuck your aforementioned shoe
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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