watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize