the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
