I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
