When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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