She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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