I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
