I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
