he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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