i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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