I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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