i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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