is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
