mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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