hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
