When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
