Your face is a jimmy john
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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