I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
