i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
