I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
