i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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