I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
