I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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