just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i drank out of a bidet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
