hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
