My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
