omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
