dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
