I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
