DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
